"Fuck off......it's over between us"

"Fuck off......it's over between us"
HB 8/24/09

Your words. Your wishes. I comply. The time has come to disengage.

I'm slowly becoming an expert over the years at leaving you. At retreating. At loving you from afar. Because it doesn't work when we're together. Can't live with you, can't live without you. With you we all self-destruct. Without you, it's a pit of never-ending sadness. But at least I'm still standing.

Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I forgive your faults? Because they're too big to ignore. Because I can't live on the anger merry-go -round, no matter how much you say you love me. No matter how much you say you need me. And need me, yes, I've suddenly become the last life preserver. The one rescuing the drowning man, only the man feels the need to drown the rescuer also. Is this what you want for the person you say you love?

You push me away. You push everyone away. Where are your friends? Where is your family? According to you, conspiring against you. Marginalizing you. Have you ever given it serious thought that YOU led them to this behavior? That YOU are responsible for the fact that everyone gives you a very WIDE berth? All I ever tried to do was love you. Lead you down a different path. Guide you. Not change you. Make you realize that some of your behaviors are self-destructive.

And the thanks I get is "Fuck off" "It's over....."

Thanks for making my decision very clear and necessary.

I saved up your voice messages, the ones where you screamed at me and said horrible things. Things that you knew about me in intimacy. Things that now you bring up and drag out to be used against me. To me, that's so low and disrespectful. But you're always crowing about how in a relationship you can't afford disrespect. Listen to your own advice, boyfriend. Feeling hurt does not give you the right to such lack of respect towards me or anyone else. I'd like you to listen to yourself rant and then come to your own conclusions. Maybe understand WHY I can't stay with you, despite the fact that I love you. Yeah, get it through your thick skull. I LOVE YOU. I just find it impossible to deal with you, to live with you, to put up with your destructive, toxic behavior.


I'm dreading seeing you again. Because I don't want to fight. Because I don't want you screaming at me again. Because I realize I won't get a word in anyway. It's all about what YOU feel, how YOU have been hurt, how YOU can't trust me, how YOU turn everything around. I have my faults and I am the first to acknowledge them. I have a bad temper, but it takes me EONS to explode. You explode for no reason. You don't handle any stress or frustration well. And I am a strong enough person where I will not be anyone's patsy or doormat, especially when you lash out at me for no reason or for some supposed slight. I will NOT be quiet. I will NOT be ill-treated. I will NOT tolerate this any longer.

Why do I write? Because you don't let me talk. Because I can't get my point across. Because you get mad, interrupt me, don't let me finish my sentence, don't want to listen to me. Because your life is one-sided: and only what YOU say and YOU think carries any weight.

Get a dog, my love. At least he'll love you unconditionally, not answer back, always be at fault and you can kick him when you're angry at him. Perfect solution.

Because I'm not a pet. I'm a human with very real feelings. And you won't treat me badly again. I can guarantee you that.