THE HB VIRUS

I've always loved you.

I loved you from the moment I met you so many years ago. We were both married, unhappily. We circled each other, flirted, but that was it. We caught each other's eye. We circled each other like hungry animals, trying to stay within the shadows of the forest so that no one would get spooked. We did that little dance for awhile.

Then came a time when we were both free. We finally got together and it was magic. It was everything that I thought it would be. But I spook easily. And that instant intimacy that we developed spooked me to no end. I ran. Hard and far. Into someone else's waiting trap. But the virus was inside me. That damned HB virus that would live and reproduce in my for a long time. That I wouldn't be able to shake. That I still haven't shaken. That still consumes me in spite of the fact that you will destroy yourself and take me down with you in the process.


I wanted you more than I wanted anything else. So the moment I was free, I looked for you. And there you were. Ready to pick up where we left off. It was so easy. Too easy. It was going so well. Until fate stepped in and threw a wild card on the table.

Your ex-girlfriend was pregnant. She wanted the baby. She didn't want you. You wanted the baby. You wanted the perfect family portrait. There was no place for me. I retreated gracefully. I loved you, but there was no place for me.

I wish you could have seen the storm coming. Everybody saw it coming. It was a storm that irreparably changed your life. You're still feeling the fallout. You're still under the effects of how bad things went. I doubt you'll ever truly get over it because on top of all the punishment you took, you still continue to punish yourself for it. As you say, you're judge, jury and executioner. And you show yourself no mercy.

Yet we were connected. I knew when you were going through rough times. I knew when you were down. I constantly thought of you, knowing that although I was far away, someday we'd be able to sit at the same table and talk again. We had always been friends, even through the worst of times. That never changed. I hope it doesn't change now. I kept in touch only enough for you to know I was still alive and well and thinking of you, if only on your birthday and Christmas. I knew you'd be able to find me if you so desired. I didn't hear from you. It was ok, at least you were alive, and I hoped, happily living your life.

Until my stormy time came. I needed a friend. I needed to reach out to someone who knew me when I was strong, when I didn't feel so defeated. I reached out. I couldn't get to you. I reached out again. I found you. I reached out again. I brought us back together.

You can never imagine the feeling of complete and utter awe and shock at having you come into my life again. But this time it's different. This time you mean it. This time you feel like I've always felt, since the first time I caught the HB virus. You consume me, my life, my time, my essence, my energy. And although I know I'm being bled like a vampire's victim, I am powerless to stop you while you're at my side. You lift me to the heavens, although I'm falling in a great abyss. Your love ruins me and leaves me powerless. It envelopes me and spins me into the tornado you call your life. Yet despite the turbulence, in the quiet times, all I want to do is love you, hold you and tell you that you're going to be ok. That someone loves you and cares for you. That I won't let anything happen to you, despite the fact that it's an impossible task to take care of someone that's hell-bent on self-destruction.

I want to hold the little boy and love all his hurt away. But the little boy lashes back in anger and in pain. He wants a future together, but his present is drowning him and he refuses to swim. He wants it ALL and he wants it NOW but without working for it, sacrificing for it, building a foundation for it. And when things go wrong, he lashes out at the one who loves him the most. No one cares if he's ok, if he ate, if he's depressed, if he's alive or dead, and he's partly to blame for that. He's driven everyone away, like he's trying to drive me away. He lashes out, spewing anger like acid that burns everything it touches. He does horrible things to himself, and then beats himself up for doing it. He's masterful at denial, and fast to cut the conversation if he doesn't like what you're telling him.

He's driving me away. He's trying to tell me he isn't worthy of love. He's going to succeed one day. Because besides himself, he only hurts the ones he loves.

I love him. I want to make him happy. I don't know if anything will make him happy. I don't know if he'll ever be happy, either with me or anyone else.

I just know that I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to stay. Or strong enough to leave. Or he'll commit the ultimate act of self-destruction before my eyes and I'll have to be a witness to it, helpless, just watching it happen. How do you watch someone you love slowly kill themselves? How do you make someone you love watch it while it happens?

You call me indecisive. I just don't know that I want to see you go down. I don't want to see you crash and burn. That would be a horrible waste. You're so intelligent. You're such a good man. You're just so self-destructive that it's painful to watch. When you're happy, you're walking on air. The excitement you exude fills the atmosphere. But when you go down, watch out. Everyone reeks after being around you. You're absolutely toxic in your dealings with others. Toxic and self-defeating. And it's all of your own making.

I've seen you at your best. In the still of the night, next to you, feeling your warmth, I've sensed and seen the best of you. I want to see that again. The memory of your best moments keeps me here with you throughout your worst moments. But you need to realize, I don't want to make a choice between your sanity and mine. I want you in my life. But you need to be alright first. I own my problems and I take care of them. You need to do the same. For your happiness.

For our future.
For the love we've found after so long
For the plans we hope to make together
For the partnership.
For you
For yourself. Don't do it for me.