If I should leave this world unexpectedly....

If anything should happen to me anytime soon, I want the world to know: I DIDN'T PROVOKE THIS!

I didn't ask to care for him. It happened. It happened over many years. Call it destiny, but still, it's not the way I expected things to end. I had a premonition, so I write to let someone know that just in case something happens, there is a history, a paper trail, something to make sense of the senseless.

Because this would be senseless. People break up every day, all the time. They break up and life goes on. Only sometimes to things go terribly wrong and people die. That's my premonition. That I'm a goner. That he's so far beyond help that I'll be going with him.

I don't want to die. But if I do, I want the world to know a few things. I want the world to remember me not as a victim, but as someone who lived life fully, deeply, intensely. Someone who wasn't afraid to take risks. Someone who went out the extra mile to live, love and laugh. Enjoy every sunset.

I want you all to remember me every time you see the ocean, feel the breeze. Hear a Bach sonata, every note screams my name. Every time you dance or hear a mambo, I'm there. Every time a plane touches down in a foreign country and you get the first whiff of heat, humidity and the local smells, I'm there. Every time you read a good book, see a great ballet, or eat a meal worth dying for, I'm there. Because I did all these things with gusto. With joy. Everytime like it was the last. And maybe it was.

Scatter me at sunset over the ocean. Make sure there's a breeze, so I go all over the place. Don"t shed a tear, laugh and dance. Play some Bach. I might be gone, but I'm watching over you all. Even if I didn't like you.

Don't blame the perp. He was sick. Nobody could save him. I thought I could, but I reconsidered and tried to get away. If he did what he did, it was destiny, nothing else. Our paths were brought together like that. In the end no one could have saved us

I don't have a death wish. I have a premonition that I'm going. I have ample warning he might be coming after me. I am prepared. I just know that if it's my time, no one can save me. I've lived my life fully and without regrets. I'm only sorry for the poeple I leave behind. My baby. My Bumby. My friends, my family. My community. They will suffer and think it senseless. But life is a part of death, we're closer every day we live.

I love you all. You know who you are. You've provided me with love, friendship, companionship, everything a person could ever want in a lifetime. I can honestly say it has been a great journey, the good times and the bad, but in the end, I don't hate anyone, even the ones who hurt me. I forgive, even if it takes me a little time. I move on. I find joy in other places, other things, other people, in myself.

Don't think of this as a tragedy. I'm free. I'll be the angel looking over you.