The Phone call I don't want to answer

Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation; and morbid suicidal ideation

Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated, expansive, or irritable mood state. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep. A person's speech may be pressured, with thoughts experienced as racing. Attention span is low and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired; sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. Their behavior may become aggressive, intolerant or intrusive. People may feel out of control or unstoppable. People may feel they have been "chosen," are "on a special mission," or other grandiose or delusional ideas. Sexual drive may increase. At more extreme phases of bipolar I, a person in a manic state can begin to experience psychosis, or a break with reality, where thinking is affected along with mood. Many people in a manic state experience severe anxiety and are very irritable (to the point of rage), while others are euphoric and grandiose.



I think you're cycling. Faster and faster. I'm scared for you. Up and down, up and down at a dizzying speed. With flight of ideas, grandiosity, and all those other things that make the mania come alive. I'm afraid of the crash. I'm afraid of what you may do. I'm afraid of losing you. I'm afraid that this world will lose you over a mountain of beans which you will find overwhelmingly difficult to climb.

I'm afraid. I'm angry. I want to help. You push me away. I get angry. I get scared. I'm afraid of that phone call, unexpected in the middle of the day that informs me that they found your body. I'm INVOLVED, whether I'm in or out of the picture. If I'm IN, I am a witness to your destruction. If I'm OUT, blame will be assigned. Mainly by me.

I can't help you. You need help beyond my capabilities. I try to be there for you but you push me away. Sometimes I think I'm the only one listening to you. The only one who cares about you. But you don't make the job easy. You make it as hard as possible for anyone to like you, much less love you.

Please don't self-destruct. Don't paint yourself into a corner. Your problems aren't all that big that they can't be resolved with time. Don't do this to yourself, to your family, to your son. Don't check out. You are not a failure. You just need to see that you need help beyond what we can offer you. You need to be healthy inside before you can be happy.

You seem resigned to die at an early age. I can't accept that, but I can't stop you either. Because it's bigger than both of us.


So, I wait for the phone call with the awful news.